I pondered this question while consulting women with a "verdict" they imposed on themselves – "I am not happy and nothing can be done about it."

And I write about this only to dispel this myth and explain the reason through examples, and to give someone hope - everything is fixable.

So, why don't all women find happiness in relationships? I invite you to the "psychological kitchen," starting with a few words about the root causes.

This pattern, seen and confirmed in my professional practice and that of my colleagues – if a girl was hurt, undervalued, or unloved in childhood by her closest and dearest people, she takes this experience as a "standard" into her adult life. And all the people around her, as if by a template, are compared against this "standard," allowing controlling, rude, etc., men into her life, while rejecting positive and worthy ones. Because, in childhood, this was the norm in how the most dear and close people treated her.

Also read: Fathers and daughters.

That's why, being an adult, a woman, of course unconsciously, recreates around herself the space and conditions in which she lived in childhood. She chooses a partner who confirms all her childhood fears, which manifests in various ways:

• Some do not provide attention, care, support, a kind word is hard to find,
• Some devalue her achievements and don't choose their words,
• Some humiliate her dignity, and so on.

Why is this happening, when it’s obvious? The thing is, a woman always looks for what is familiar or what she already has an idea about – "yes, it is a swamp, but it is familiar and customary."

Also read: Daughters and mothers.

So, here are the main or often repeated reasons why women choose the wrong men:

• Distorted perception of love. A woman doesn’t believe that she can be loved just for being herself, unconditionally. And starting a relationship, from the first day, such a woman tries to earn love – by cooking, cleaning, denying herself rest, joys, always ready to help, to please, etc. She’s used to fighting for love, attention, or a kind word from her parents. She had to strive for their love, sometimes enduring suffering, and in adulthood, she continues to earn love as she is used to. She often feels pain or even allows herself to be angry at her partner, but perceives these storms, waves of emotions as passion, attachment, or even love.
• Habit to criticize oneself. When a woman is confident that a man has the right to neglect her and her needs, she explains his ignoring or even contempt to herself – asked the wrong question at the wrong moment, said the wrong thing, stood in the wrong place, and so on. Therefore, the phrase: "I am to blame, sorry," learned in childhood (since it’s easier for a child to agree than to assert their position), becomes the norm in adult relationships.
• Lack of a model for a healthy relationship. A woman expects from a man the love she lacked in childhood. And the man merely mirrors her, treating her as she treats herself. Thus creating a vicious circle: the woman desperately wants to be loved and approaches the man with an "outstretched hand," while he either "drives away" or gives "alms." The woman might even feel or suspect something isn’t right, but the model learned in childhood is perceived as the only correct or possible one.

Is there a way out or what to do? There is a way out and it will be unique for everyone: for some, self-development and working on themselves might help, others might need to mend relations with their parents and forgive them, since we all suffered from the Soviet upbringing system and parents raised their kids the way they were raised. And some may simply need to believe in their uniqueness and become the most loving and caring father and mother to themselves.

Also read: Belief in oneself and one's abilities is the best thing parents can give their children. Top 5 methods.

If you want to go through this path more quickly, efficiently, and easily, to improve relationships with a partner or meet a worthy man, just believe that you deserve better in your life and seek help from a psychologist. Especially if you are raising a daughter, since she will borrow the model of her future relationships with a man from you.

Also read: "CHANGE, cannot remain" or "change cannot, remain" - the choice is yours.

iPsycholog - Your online psychologist.